Prologue
The story I am about to tell began on 3/15/39,
the day I was born in a home for unwed mothers. Innocent babe was I, wreaking
havoc in the lives of the other characters in my story. This little baby girl
brought grief and shame to her birth mother, upset the household of her birth
father and his wife and joy to her adoptive parents who so wanted a child of
their own. These are the roles we played in my dramady. Eighty one years ago ,
there was cause to be upset at this event,unlike today where mores are so relaxed
in comparison.All these ingredients played into the story of my life.
I am different, not better or worse. I am adopted. So, who am
I anyway? Am I my resume? (chorus Line) Ah! Self knowledge, the gift that keeps
on giving. The study of oneself is a valuable practice because once you fully
know who you are no one can diminish. You or raise you up. You are
who you are. I have known since I was 12 that I was adopted, shocking news
that. My mother, Mama Julia, sought the support of her sister to break that
news and on a fateful Fri. Night we 4, parents, aunt & I went to the
movies.We saw ‘Our Very Own’ a story of adoption. All I could think of in
response to all this information was ‘I’m glad that it was you who adopted me’.
Always worrying about the other. I realized later that it was a secret everyone
knew but me. In some ways that hurt my ability to trust.
And on with life...not until I finished school,
got married, had 5 children of my own and lost my adoptive mother did the least
bit of curiosity start bubbling up. I was busy.Then
It seemed the next right thing to do...find the
birth mother, Mama Rosa.Who was this woman? I asked my father for any
information he had to help me in my quest . I was in my thirties at that
time.He was supportive and forthcoming, appreciated . I was teaching then and
it was spring break, the perfect opportunity to go to Boston where I was born
and make a search.
My husband accompanied me on that journey and
was very supportive,also appreciated.My dad meanwhile stayed at the house in NY
with my 5 teenagers. Previous to this trip I had attended the ALMA Society
which helped seekers go about a search.It was all kind of exciting I recall. I
was very lucky, at the Bureau of Vital Statistics I was able to find what I was
looking for. It brought me to. Middleboro,Ma. ,the town where Rosa resided.I
found out she worked in a bank and the first one I called, she answered.,I’ve
done a genealogy study and your name came up, I said. Rosa was not very
responsive, not interested she said. I’ll be frank, I’m your daughter I blurted
out, can we talk? A long silence...I can only imagine now in retrospect what
she might have been feeling...OMG my past had caught up with me,everything Ive
worked for to make a good life for my family will be ruined.
After an interminable time that I was
shaking,she said, Alright, Ill meet you after work.I was so excited/nervous to
meet with her. We met, I sat in-her car and we talked. She first said, I did
the best I could for you, I had nothing to offer you, the father was married.I
tried to make her feel better, I had a very good life, don’t worry...again
trying to protect the other.I found out that my father owned the shoe store
where she worked , she was a teen looking for affection and the rest is
history(another interesting fact revealed, he was from Portugal) Right here I
want to interject a personal belief of mine that we come into this earth with a
lesson to learn or an issue to overcome, my issue was abandonment. It has come
up over and over in my lifetime...more on that later.
Rosa invited my husband and I over for
dinner the next evening. She had told her husband about the baby girl she had
given up for adoption. Always pays to tell the truth.
We were welcomed into the house except for her
youngest, my half brother who was disturbed by the news and ran out of the
house.Who was this ladylike woman that had a child with someone else? Emotions
were flying high that night but I hardly knew what I was feeling.We made
arrangements to keep in touch, Joe and I had to return home to.NY. To the
kiddos.
I returned to the ALMA Society and shared my
good news of successful connection. My
Girlfriends on the block came over to celebrate
my good fortune with Portuguese wine
In honor of my newfound heritage.my Portuguese
father.I am half Portuguese!There was alot of joy all around ...but there was a
lot more heartache and rejection to come..
Trying times as well as blessings..more will be
revealed...
At the next ALMA meeting a journalist from Time magazine was
there to write an article on the process of searching, finding and the
different results possible. I just having returned from a successful connection
was delighted to to talk about my process, bubbling with joy. My birth mother
was contacted and refused to speak with them. An omen of things to come.Again
looking back her position was very differeNt from mine, fragile, privacy was
her goal.My joy at my discovery was not shared by Mama Rosa, privacy was her
priority.Understandable.
Over the early years of our reunion there were
many visits, NY to Boston and back. At one such dinner at my family home
,Sitting at the table were My adopted father, my birth mother and her husband,
my husband and the kids. It was very heartwarming as my father thanked Rosa ...
because of her, he had his daughter, me. Those were some of the good times.
As my.Marriage came to an end and my
family broke up, Rosa was very supportive at that time. There were many visits
to Boston with and without various boyfriends till that phase passed. There were
trips into Boston to celebrate birthdays and rides to the Cape to visit
relatives. I recall one visit in particular Rosa and I were sitting in the
kitchen having tea and a friend of hers knocked on the door. Rosa neglected to
introduce me and finally her friend asked ,who is this woman? She’s my daughter
Rosa answered reluctantly. The friend. Burst into tears of joy and was so happy
for Rosa and her long lost daughter.I smiled but began to realize, I was her
shame and felt the sadness of it.
The next big event was a family wedding at Cape
Cod. I was invited to stay at Rosas.
Rosa’s brother and wife were in town for the
wedding and she was excited for them to meet me. When we were all dressed and
ready to go she pulled me aside and made a request of me, ‘Everyone who needs
to know about you, knows so please dont say anything.My sisters’ in laws are
very nosy & gossipy.That request made me feel I was the Shame, unworthy,
less than.I called upon some inner strength and off we went.
Ultimately I moved to Florida and before long
Rosa did too as her sister lived there as well.I had high expectations that
we’d be seeing each other regularly...but that was not to be.Shedid not want
her neighbors to know of me, her shame. This second rejection brought bouts of
anger and sadness.A highlight of that period I do recall is my 65th birthday
party, Rosa and her sister Nancy came and my friends were charmed by the Crane
Sisters. I was happy and proud that they showed up to celebrate me. But after
that nothing, my overtures were met with silence.
Another time Nancy invited me to her son’s
wedding.When Rosa saw me she said, ‘What are you doing here?’ I was
invited I shot back at her, but I was crushed. And I pulled myself together and
went on to enjoy myself and be the life of the party.
Again, I imagine she felt exposed but then I
could only feel rejected .
Sister.Nancy and I had bonded when she
moved to. Brooklyn and I lived in NYC/Tribeca
We became fast friends. She looked me up and we
took it from there.I was teaching at college and I had her come in and address
my class about volunteering to hold abandoned babies, ironic. She was so happy
that Rosa got her daughter after 4 sons which by the way is the same family I
have. Now all three of us are in Florida and Rosa is sick and in the hospital.
Nancy tells me she does not want me to come.Finally the day came when I got a
call from Nancy, ‘It’s the end, do you want to come? I immediately went and
found her not very happy, she was miserable and just wanted to die. I did some toning,
singing her name and soothing sounds. This quieted her some.
.Therewas no resolution to this on again, off
again relationship. I went back there the following day and she was in a coma
and passed that night.Many feelings arose,
Longing, unfinished business, never to be
resolved...As I stated earlier my issue was abandonment...I was left to deal
with it by myself. And I did. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship
I have continuously been working on myself and have found the strength and the
grace to finally come to a place of acceptance and peace. Now I am the
Matriarch of my family, 5 children, 11 grands and 5greats..So proud of this!
I have come to realize the gift in my experience
of being an outlier, I’ve developed grit..
But more importantly I am a person who is open
to and embraces all kinds of folks and is very compassionate to people
who are different like me.A big blessing.
Stay tuned...Epilogue
Epologue
Looking back I must give a word of praise to Mama Julia who
gave me the best mothering possible; loving and warm she gave me what I needed
to face my demons.
I drew on my inner strength which I got from my
upbringing. And also Mama Rosa gets honorable mention , she was generous to me
in many ways and at her best when it was just the two of us, not exposed to
prying eyes. I remember the the time she joyfully announced she had bought a
place in Pt. Charlotte ,Fl.and Joseph and I were welcome to use it. Rosa was
delighted to offer this gift and we were overjoyed to stay one summer month to
escape the heat of the city. I can recall another happy occasion celebrating
Rosa’s birthday with her favorite niece and I, her two favorite girls. We
trained Into Boston for the day and were treated to a delicious lunch at one of
Boston's finest restaurants. And it was truly her pleasure to do so.I can savor
these happy memories.On the other hand, having gotten close to brother
Tom who executed her will upon her passing, I found out that I was not
mentioned. I did not exist in her world, another slap in the face. I can only
guess she was sick in her end years and was not herself. Still smarts.
Yet one of the gifts of this experience is I
have been developing relationships with two of my brothers and their wives.
Though They live in different states from one another and me , we do our best
to stay connected with calls , cards and an occasional visit. I was honored
when Tom got married in Florida and asked me to be their witness.A very
heartwarming time. And when I visited him in Ma., he took me to visit Rosa’ s
grave on Cape Cod. Much appreciated.
In conclusion, we are all complex people . I am,
Rosa was,multi- layered, multi-faceted , capable of many emotions. It’s what
makes us human. Amen
PS A word about twins, I have twin boys,my niece
has twin boys and my nephew has twin girls...just sayin.
I look forward to a conversation on this topic
sometime in the near future with my brothers and Nancy. Stay tuned...more will
be revealed, it always is.
