A Tribute to Joe Kelleher

 Joe was tough, intelligent,full of integrity and honesty but with a sense of humor, charming and handsome. He was my first love, my husband of 21 years, the father of my 5 children. We met at the beach as teens and grew up together. He was born in Queens, his home town, and lived there his whole life, went to PS 108.

Joe was a self made man, a high school dropout who became an engineer, no small feat. His was a true success story, responsible, faithful husband, devoted father and a chosen career. We miss his presence to this day In many ways but are consoled by the fact that he rests in peace, free at last.

On Being Adopted

 

Prologue

The story I am about to tell began on 3/15/39, the day I was born in a home for unwed mothers. Innocent babe was I, wreaking havoc in the lives of the other characters in my story. This little baby girl brought grief and shame to her birth mother, upset the household of her birth father and his wife and joy to her adoptive parents who so wanted a child of their own. These are the roles we played in my dramady. Eighty one years ago , there was cause to be upset at this event,unlike today where mores are so relaxed in comparison.All these ingredients played into the story of my life.

I am different, not better or worse. I am adopted. So, who am I anyway? Am I my resume? (chorus Line) Ah! Self knowledge, the gift that keeps on giving. The study of oneself is a valuable practice because once you fully know who you are no one can diminish.  You  or raise you up. You are who you are. I have known since I was 12 that I was adopted, shocking news that. My mother, Mama Julia, sought the support of her sister to break that news and on a fateful Fri. Night we 4, parents, aunt & I went to the movies.We saw ‘Our Very Own’ a story of adoption. All I could think of in response to all this information was ‘I’m glad that it was you who adopted me’. Always worrying about the other. I realized later that it was a secret everyone knew but me. In some ways that hurt my ability to trust.
And on with life...not until I finished school, got married, had 5 children of my own and lost my adoptive mother did the least bit of curiosity start bubbling up. I was busy.Then
It seemed the next right thing to do...find the birth mother, Mama Rosa.Who was this woman? I asked my father for any information he had to help me in my quest . I was in my thirties at that time.He was supportive and forthcoming, appreciated . I was teaching then and it was spring break, the perfect opportunity to go to Boston where I was born and make a search.
My husband accompanied me on that journey and was very supportive,also appreciated.My dad meanwhile stayed at the house in NY with my 5 teenagers. Previous to this trip I had attended the ALMA Society which helped seekers go about a search.It was all kind of exciting I recall. I was very lucky, at the Bureau of Vital Statistics I was able to find what I was looking for. It brought me to. Middleboro,Ma. ,the town where Rosa resided.I found out she worked in a bank and the first one I called, she answered.,I’ve done a genealogy study and your name came up, I said. Rosa was not very responsive, not interested she said. I’ll be frank, I’m your daughter I blurted out, can we talk? A long silence...I can only imagine now in retrospect what she might have been feeling...OMG my past had caught up with me,everything Ive worked for to make a good life for my family will be ruined.
After an interminable time that I was shaking,she said, Alright, Ill meet you after work.I was so excited/nervous to meet with her. We met, I sat in-her car and we talked. She first said, I did the best I could for you, I had nothing to offer you, the father was married.I tried to make her feel better, I had a very good life, don’t worry...again trying to protect the other.I found out that my father owned the shoe store where she worked , she was a teen looking for affection and the rest is history(another interesting fact revealed, he was from Portugal) Right here I want to interject a personal belief of mine that we come into this earth with a lesson to learn or an issue to overcome, my issue was abandonment. It has come up over and over in my lifetime...more on that later.
Rosa invited my husband  and I over for dinner the next evening. She had told her husband about the baby girl she had given up for adoption. Always pays to tell the truth.
We were welcomed into the house except for her youngest, my half brother who was disturbed by the news and ran out of the house.Who was this ladylike woman that had a child with someone else? Emotions were flying high that night but I hardly knew what I was feeling.We made arrangements to keep in touch, Joe and I had to return home to.NY. To the kiddos.
I returned to the ALMA Society and shared my good news of successful connection. My
Girlfriends on the block came over to celebrate my good fortune with Portuguese wine
In honor of my newfound heritage.my Portuguese father.I am half Portuguese!There was alot of joy all around ...but there was a lot more heartache and rejection to come..
Trying times as well as blessings..more will be revealed...

 

At the next ALMA meeting a journalist from Time magazine was there to write an article on the process of searching, finding and the different results possible. I just having returned from a successful connection was delighted to to talk about my process, bubbling with joy. My birth mother was contacted and refused to speak with them. An omen of things to come.Again looking back her position was very differeNt from mine, fragile, privacy was her goal.My joy at my discovery was not shared by Mama Rosa, privacy was her priority.Understandable.
Over the early years of our reunion there were many visits, NY to Boston and back. At one such dinner at my family home ,Sitting at the table were My adopted father, my birth mother and her husband, my husband and the kids. It was very heartwarming as my father thanked Rosa ... because of her, he had his daughter, me. Those were some of the good times.
As my.Marriage  came to an end and my family broke up, Rosa was very supportive at that time. There were many visits to Boston with and without various boyfriends till that phase passed. There were trips into Boston to celebrate birthdays and rides to the Cape to visit relatives. I recall one visit in particular Rosa and I were sitting in the kitchen having tea and a friend of hers knocked on the door. Rosa neglected to introduce me and finally her friend asked ,who is this woman? She’s my daughter Rosa answered reluctantly. The friend. Burst into tears of joy and was so happy for Rosa and her long lost daughter.I smiled but began to realize, I was her shame and felt the sadness of it.
The next big event was a family wedding at Cape Cod. I was invited to stay at Rosas.
Rosa’s brother and wife were in town for the wedding and she was excited for them to meet me. When we were all dressed and ready to go she pulled me aside and made a request of me, ‘Everyone who needs to know about you, knows so please dont say anything.My sisters’ in laws are very nosy & gossipy.That request made me feel I was the Shame, unworthy, less than.I called upon some inner strength and off we went.
Ultimately I moved to Florida and before long Rosa did too as her sister lived there as well.I had high expectations that we’d be seeing each other regularly...but that was not to be.Shedid not want her neighbors to know of me, her shame. This second rejection brought bouts of anger and sadness.A highlight of that period I do recall is my 65th birthday party, Rosa and her sister Nancy came and my friends were charmed by the Crane Sisters. I was happy and proud that they showed up to celebrate me. But after that nothing, my overtures were met with silence.
Another time Nancy invited me to her son’s wedding.When Rosa saw me  she said, ‘What are you doing here?’ I was invited I shot back at her, but I was crushed. And I pulled myself together and went on to enjoy myself and be the life of the party.
Again, I imagine she felt exposed but then I could only feel rejected .
Sister.Nancy  and I had bonded when she moved to. Brooklyn and I lived in NYC/Tribeca
We became fast friends. She looked me up and we took it from there.I was teaching at college and I had her come in and address my class about volunteering to hold abandoned babies, ironic. She was so happy that Rosa got her daughter after 4 sons which by the way is the same family I have. Now all three of us are in Florida and Rosa is sick and in the hospital. Nancy tells me she does not want me to come.Finally the day came when I got a call from Nancy, ‘It’s the end, do you want to come? I immediately went and found her not very happy, she was miserable and just wanted to die. I did some toning, singing her name and soothing sounds. This quieted her some.
.Therewas no resolution to this on again, off again relationship. I went back there the following day and she was in a coma and passed that night.Many feelings arose,
 Longing, unfinished business, never to be resolved...As I stated earlier my issue was abandonment...I was left to deal with it by myself. And I did. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship I have continuously been working on myself and have found the strength and the grace to finally come to a place of acceptance and peace. Now I am the Matriarch of my family, 5 children, 11 grands and 5greats..So proud of this!
I have come to realize the gift in my experience of being an outlier, I’ve developed grit..
But more importantly I am a person who is open to and embraces all kinds of folks and is very  compassionate to people who are different like me.A big blessing.
Stay tuned...Epilogue

Epologue

Looking back I must give a word of praise to Mama Julia who gave me the best mothering possible; loving and warm she gave me what I needed to face my demons.
I drew on my inner strength which I got from my upbringing. And also Mama Rosa gets honorable mention , she was generous to me in many ways and at her best when it was just the two of us, not exposed to prying eyes. I remember the the time she joyfully announced she had bought a place in Pt. Charlotte ,Fl.and Joseph and I were welcome to use it. Rosa was delighted to offer this gift and we were overjoyed to stay one summer month to escape the heat of the city. I can recall another happy occasion celebrating Rosa’s birthday with her favorite niece and I, her two favorite girls. We trained Into Boston for the day and were treated to a delicious lunch at one of Boston's finest restaurants. And it was truly her pleasure to do so.I can savor these happy memories.On the other hand, having gotten close to brother Tom  who executed her will upon her passing, I found out that I was not mentioned. I did not exist in her world, another slap in the face. I can only guess she was sick in her end years and was not herself. Still smarts.
Yet one of the gifts of this experience is I have been developing relationships with two of my brothers and their wives. Though They live in different states from one another and me , we do our best to stay connected with calls , cards and an occasional visit. I was honored when Tom got married in Florida and asked me to be their witness.A very heartwarming time. And when I visited him in Ma., he took me to visit Rosa’ s grave on Cape Cod. Much appreciated.
In conclusion, we are all complex people . I am, Rosa was,multi- layered, multi-faceted , capable of many emotions. It’s what makes us human. Amen
PS A word about twins, I have twin boys,my niece has twin boys and my nephew has twin girls...just sayin.
I look forward to a conversation on this topic sometime in the near future with my brothers and Nancy. Stay tuned...more will be revealed, it always is.

Topic: On Being Resilient

Reflection: An important part of my D.A. recovery program is the health of my body, mind and spirit. I must have a strong body ,mind and spirit to meet the challenges that are sure to come. Living life in the time of the corona  virus is the biggest
challenge yet for everyone on planet earth. Developing resiliency helps to get through this crisis with a modicum of serenity.
My home meeting is a Visions meeting and one of my visions is radiant health and vitality and agelessness. I live by those words. I make sure my immune system is up to par and use affirmations such as ‘my cells ask for improved status ,and it is given and I allow it in.’ Along with  Exercise, moving and a healthy food plan are a  are a given For success. Spending time in the beauty of nature feeds the soul & lightens the disposition
Spiritual reading such as Just for this day reminds me of my priorities and guides my spirit. Step 11, sought through prayer & meditation to improve my conscious contact with a higher power of my understanding had led me to develop a meditation practice
Over the years. This is one of the elements that led me to solvency, a gift of the program and along with that came the gift of peace. As a long standing member of this program ,I can verify that the Promises do come true.
By nurturing all three aspects , I attain balance which gives me the ability to make clear choices in all my affairs. The foundation of my program rests on Being Resilient in body ,mind and spirit leading to confidence...from that vantage point the world is my oyster and anything is possible.

Thought for the day : Setting my priorities led to my Resilient lifestyle.

Quote : Just for this day, I will set aside time for quiet reflection, prayer or meditation . I will let this replenish and nourish my soul.