Falling...

Falling…

‘Falling in love again,what am I to do?, never wanted to, can’t help it’

Yes! I am an incurable romantic…always rooting for the love story to work out for myself and others. It’s not like I’ve never been hurt, loved and lost…Oh yes! I’ve been there, done that. I’m sure we all have,but yet my theme song ic ‘dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt.’ Ah yes! There’s that incurable romantic again, hope springs eternal. Why am I like this I ask myself? I guess because it feels better than being an incurable cynic. Duh!

Although I’ve been burnt,I’m like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Time heals all wounds and confidence arises. I learn from my mistakes and choose more wisely the next time around. My experiences; a divorce, a break-up , make me a stonger person, having lived through it and come out the other side intact. I feel willing to risk again;scary,yet exciting. To quote St. Augustine ‘There is no greater invitation to love than loving first.’ So I make it my practice;love myself, love my family,love my friends, love my pets, love my plants, love my community on and on. Love is contagious! That’s step one. Step two : letting go …again…some more. I also practice being open and receptive and aware of opportunities. I begin to trust my inner resources which I have painstakingly developed: my stores of serenity, courage and confidence. Let me say a word here about my meditation practice and my tai chi practice. These practices are an integral part of my lifestyle.. the gift they give me is peace. So yeah, I’m in a good place in my life to trust the process with ease.

With the coming of spring, a new moon, a new season, I feel a new readyiness. I’m throwing my hat in the ring and where it lands nobody knows. This space I’m in puts out a an energy in the Universe that says, check me out! I’m ready to try again. I have more clarity than ever before on what type of person I’m wanting to be with. I now have role models in my life that make me say,’Yes! I’ll have some of that and more of that: evolved, funny, beautiful inside and out. Okay, so I’m ready,trusting the process,know what I’m wanting…the results are inevitable as a sunny day in Florida. Bring him on…Mr. Right,Now! 407

On Letting Go

On Letting Go…

‘I had a dream and it’s all that I had, right or wrong,it’s my dream.’

While visiting my son and family in Texas last year and relaxing in the hot tub with daughter-in-law, she brought up the subject ’You guys should have a family reunion’…which is very natural for her and her family but not so much for ours.  I’ll admit, I was smitten with the idea. We brought the idea up for discussion to my son who said ‘My priority is for my son to get a baseball scholarship to college next year, after that we’ll see. So, that has happened; grandson got a baseball scholarship and graduates, proud Nana. Next I pick up the idea again with daughter on her recent visit.’Brother probably won’t go’ she said. Let’s not start the dialogue with a negative statement I say. I write son in Texas and inform him of the talks, no response is his response. Despite this I move forward full steam. I make a statement to myself and whoever will listen : My purpose on earth is to provide my own brand of support toward the evolution of my family AKA a family reunion. Profound! Sounds good , doesn’t it? After getting no warm fuzzies back, I discuss the matter with one of my besties…’Knowing the family dynamic I just hate to see you suffer a whole year over this.’ Tears came to my eyes ,I saw a year of misery flash by trying to make something happen. I awoke in that moment! These things cannot be forced, they must be finessed…NO! not even that…Just Let Go! \

And then came the feelings : relief, grief, acceptance and finally moving on. Grieving the loss of a dream can be like running into kryptonite , disempowering. Usually an upbeat positive person, I allowed myself a time to grieve. This went on for days, off and on. I didn’t want to put a lid on it,I’d been stuffing my feelings for long enough. Then the feelings changed to unfamiliar, strange, different and lighter. I no longer had that feeling of trying to make the impossible happen single handedly against all odds. This must be what acceptance feels like I said to myself. I wandered around in this state for awhile, trying it on for size, seeing how things looked from this perspective. Transition time was never easy for me but I guess I was prepared for it this time having spent many years in Codependence Anonymous…I was groomed for it. I was ready to move on with a new focus: Cruise to Cuba 2017 with the Girlz.

Yes? I was born for Joy! And I was grabbing it with both hands while I still can. And hadn’t I read somewhere the best gift you can give your loved ones is to be happy. I’m in! And if by chance the kiddos get it together and pull off a reunion and invite me, I’m there. Let go and let it flow…more will be revealed!   506 words

my Miraculous D.A. Recovery Pt. III

During this phase of my recovery I also tried my hand at stand up comedy at the Eagle Tavern on 14th St. and summer stock theater in Plymouth ,Ma. as part of the program was to have a vision.I then decided to move to Va. Bch. for a more serene lifestyle and closer to nature as it was on my wish list or vision as we say in the program.

 Leaving NYC with a pocketful of money, I felt I didn't need the program any longer( a common mistake). Instead I shifted my recovery path to Coda, a program for healing from codependence 

​after my very dysfunctional relationship.​ That group was very social as well and we celebrated the holidays and holydays together,my family of choice,sober & solvent. It was during these years I tried my hand at musical comedy joining a performance group called the Cat's Meow and I loved it. I also booked events for the group another skill discovered. While I worked on my emotional life, my hip was worsening. It was getting time to have a hip replacement. 

My healing of body , mind and spiritcontinued. One thread of my healing was swimming...in NYC I swam at the BMCC pool, being a teacher there I had that privilege. In Va. Bch., I joined the Rec Center where I swam in the winter, in the summer I frolicked in Chesapeake Bay. Moving to Fl. I joined the 'Y' for water aerobics and swam in the Gulf of Mexico with my Beach Girlz when it was warm.

Another thread in my recovery was singing...yes, swimming and singing, my faves ( a regular Esther Williams). In NYC I helped create a musical show, 'You Gotta Have Art'which was my masters degree project. In Va. Bch. .retired from teaching ,I invested more time into singing.: besides the Cat's Meow, I sang in a chorus,the Joyful Noise and also the Unity church,which I attended, choir....seems I couldn't get enough. It was a big part of my recovery. I FL. I joined the St.Pete College Chorus and continued singing my way thru life. Currently, I'm part of the St. Pete Singing Ladies,we perform occasionally when an event or fund raiser calls for it.

My Miraculous D.A. Recovery Pt II

During this phase of my recovery I also tried my hand at stand up comedy at the Eagle Tavern on 14th St. and summer stock theater in Plymouth ,Ma. as part of the program was to have a vision.I then decided to move to Va. Bch. for a more serene lifestyle and closer to nature as it was on my wish list or vision as we say in the program.

 Leaving NYC with a pocketful of money, I felt I didn't need the program any longer( a common mistake). Instead I shifted my recovery path to Coda, a program for healing from codependence 

​after my very dysfunctional relationship.​ That group was very social as well and we celebrated the holidays and holydays together,my family of choice,sober & solvent. It was during these years I tried my hand at musical comedy joining a performance group called the Cat's Meow and I loved it. I also booked events for the group another skill discovered. While I worked on my emotional life, my hip was worsening. It was getting time to have a hip replacement. 

My healing of body , mind and spiritcontinued. One thread of my healing was swimming...in NYC I swam at the BMCC pool, being a teacher there I had that privilege. In Va. Bch., I joined the Rec Center where I swam in the winter, in the summer I frolicked in Chesapeake Bay. Moving to Fl. I joined the 'Y' for water aerobics and swam in the Gulf of Mexico with my Beach Girlz when it was warm.

Another thread in my recovery was singing...yes, swimming and singing, my faves ( a regular Esther Williams). In NYC I helped create a musical show, 'You Gotta Have Art'which was my masters degree project. In Va. Bch. .retired from teaching ,I invested more time into singing.: besides the Cat's Meow, I sang in a chorus,the Joyful Noise and also the Unity church,which I attended, choir....seems I couldn't get enough. It was a big part of my recovery. I FL. I joined the St.Pete College Chorus and continued singing my way thru life. Currently, I'm part of the St. Pete Singing Ladies,we perform occasionally when an event or fund raiser calls for it.

My Miraculous D.A. Recovery

Debtors Anonymous is a program of men and women who come together to share their experience, strength and hope so that they may recover from the disease of compulsive spending or under earning or any other dysfunction related to money. this program offers tools for recovery; meetings, pressure relief groups,spending plans, action plans, debt repayment plans, sponsors, visions and the promises. I have been a member, working my program off and on for 33 years in NYC, Va. Bch. and currently Florida. My personal issues were under earning, vague about money, debting to myself, lateness and cluttering. I can proudly say I am now solvent thru the grace of this program. I have no debt...and I have learned to request equal pay for time worked and to be an advocate for myself as well.

Whenever I have financial concerns ie; an expensive vacation, I can ask two members to sit on a PRG for me and work up an action plan to meet my goals. I recently had a PRG and what a blessing it was.

I came away with clarity of my situation and an action plan of what needs to be done. Clarity is one of the biggest gifts of the program in my opinion. I can truly say my life has improved 100%. I live in a place I love, my home and my hometown of Gulfport. I have loving & supportive friends in my life and I live within my means, yet my means do not define me. I have peace and plenty; the intangibles of love and joy.

My recovery began in Tribeca , NY 33 years ago. I was newly divorced and trying to regain stability; financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I wanted a second chance at life but there were so many areas I had to get in order first. I joined a Friday nite meeting for self-employed that brought out my entrepreneurial spirit and which I am today. I learned to write down every cent I spent,keeping current...which I still do to this day. The practice once again gave me clarity. I made a debt repayment plan to all my creditors saying I needed a time out and then I would pay them back entirely over time with a plan. Amazingly, they all agreed and over a period of years I completed the plan. Doing this gave me a great feeling of respect,dignity and integrity. It wasn't all hard work, there was joy as well,the program people loved to throw parties;solvently and soberly. I loved it! I made many new friends in those days in NY who were supportive and working on themselves as well. I was in the recovery loop and it felt good.  With this spiritual support I experienced the death of my husband and later a new relationship that proved to be codependent and dysfunctional. I had an accident; I fell off my bike in a pot hole on the way to teach at NYU and broke my hip. There's a gift in everything I've learned. The gift in that was I broke from the relationship and gained a large sum of money in a law suit against the city of NY.This gave me options.

What A Difference A Book Makes

What a Difference A Book Makes

How I love my books! Let me count the ways; best friend, best companion, best informer and on and on. I love my books so much that I love to share them with ,y loved ones, friends and family. Two outstanding books on my list that I read read daily are meditation books : Peaceful Living and Walking on Alligators. Peaceful living is a daily meditation book for compassionate communication which I have been studying for the past 3 years. When a friend suggested this book to I jumped on Amazon and ordered one for myself.

Walking on Alligators is a daily meditation book for writers. I was teaching a class on Creative Nonfiction for Keep Saint Pete Lit when one of my students recommended it to me. From your students you’ll be taught. After about a year or so of daily reading these two books as part of my morning practice and finding them so helpful in my life, I decided to send a copy of each to my daughter Joanne and her two sons,my grandsons Bobby and Danny who write also. It’s a family affair.

Ideally I was imagining the 4 of us each morning reading the Same passage, me in Florida,Joanne in New York, Bobby in Alexandria and Danny in Austin. Feeling connected. But it’s not an ideal world so here’s what really happened… I was having a catch up chat with my daughgter on the phone, telling her of a situation I had and the strategy I used to resolve it. That’s just like todays readingbshe said. What! You’re reading the daily meditations? Well, it’s in the bathroom so…she trailed off. I was so excited but remained calm on the phone. I was smiling to myself. On another chat after I had decided to write about giving a book , I asked her for feedback. It’s repetitious, she replied…but I like the writers meditations, I already read 4 of them. You win some you loose some, but who’s  keeping score?

Next I called my grandson Bobby and inquired if he had a chance to crack open the book. Actually Nana as you know we just moved and with the holidays and all, not so much. Okay Honey, if you do get a chance let me know what you think. A week or so went by and I get an email from Bobby. Nana, I really like the writers meditation book. I especially liked the passage by Nora Ephron about turning tragedy into comedy. (he recently hsad just overcome a bout with cancer,and won) I think it will help m3e move forward with my writing. I’m all smiles,I’m so happy.

Now Danny grandson number two is a writer of a different kind,he’s a songwriter,musician, English teacher by day. I gave Danny a call,left a message saying I wanted to interview him for a piece I’m writing. He knew to what I was referring we had previously discussed it. So, he emailed me saying, Nana I haven’t read the book…if I’m not interested I don’t have the patience,guess I’m like my Dad in that way. I thanked him for his honesty, told him it was only meant to read a day at a time, a page at a time. Honestly, I was thrilled that he trusted me  enough to be forthcoming with the truth. This was a very good turn of events in our relationship. I smiled. He did give me a follow up call over the weekend and we laughed together over life.

All in all ,the difference that these books made in my relationships with my daughter and 2 grandsons was phenominal! They were the catylist  to greater connection. And after these discussions,sometime down the road they may of their own volition crack op4en a book and find a blessing….more will be revealed. I smile.

And as for me, I continue my practice of reading a page a day on communication and writing. It gives me great joy!

The Sound Track of My Life

Whenever I hear Johnny Mathis on the radio, I am transported back to the time my husband and I were dating. His tunes were all the rage in the 50's;Chances Are, 12th Of Never, It's not for Me To Say. I can remember slow dancing with my husband/boyfriend to those romantic tunes like it was yesterday. That was the score which we began our life together with. Being with him was all I ever knew as an adult so when at 40 years of age we were no longer together I needed a new anthem...and I found one...I Will Survive!

When I got up in the morning before I left for work from my studio apartment, I played my chant- it got me going. That was my mantra in more ways than one.

My next relationship was totally different ,and the number #1 song on my hit parade then was So Happy Together by the Turtles. We loved traveling camping and exploring nature together. It was a very exciting time for me...until it wasn't. Then my theme song became Amazing Grace ,who saved a wretch like me. That break-up hit me hard but there was no other recourse.

Teaching was my life now and how I loved it. Being with young adults carving out new lives for themselves was inspiring. So my pick for the teaching years was Forever Young because teaching kept the spark of life alive in me.

When I retired from teaching, I followed a new pursuit...my passion was for the metaphysical. I studied at Edgar Cayce ARE in Va. Bch. to expand my psychic abilities. My song became I Can See Clearly Now, I had quite a run with that tune and currently I still am.

Now I've come to a place of acceptance in my life of what is and am no longer wishing it was different. As one of the great sages once said 'All suffering is caused by attachment'. In the words of Patti LaBelle,'It took a long time to find this place,it took a long time to be happy".

My life has come full circle as I am going to see Johnny Mathis who will be appearing at the Tampa Performing Arts soon with a young friend. It will be sweet to hear those tunes once again in his mellow voice.  Everything's fine.

Next: I'm looking forward to singing At Last , my love has come along. More will be revealed...stay tuned!